things of the sea

a moment and years...

2012-01-29T03:46:00.003Z

one moment to capture my eye
over a year to forget
the way you looked, standing there
as my train approached
São Pedro do Estoril

you were tall and tired
but mostly we were nervous
an away-game disadvantage
and a walk to the beach
waves always crash on shore

for a handful of visions
many seasons of anguish
the subtle, chronic ache
of waiting, forgetting, and
waking in the night

sometimes hope dies
before blooming light
but my hope is fear
refusal to cry
and daydreaming lie

pavlov passed too soon
to train my old dog mind
see the sand, walk on
rather than sink in
'bout time for a treat

they don't make 'em like
you, deep and brilliant
one note ain't cuttin'
nothin' but time
so hurry up, depth be mine

...new heaven, new earth

2012-01-26T17:08:00.002Z

Previously, I had difficulty believing in heaven.

Now I do.

Simple reasoning: glimmers remain of the original glory of creation, and the brokenness of this world leaves me yearning to see the eternal restoration of all things. Even faint hope can turn to faith.

long-ending Layla...

2012-01-18T20:10:00.003Z

I've not always been a girl who likes surprises, but there is one type of surprise I particularly enjoy: being surprised by beauty. Washes over you, silences your throat, harnesses your gaze, plants your feet--the surprise of beauty, indiscriminate and equal-opportunity.

Last fall I was caught in the middle of the mundane. The quotidian rhythm that seldom allows inspiration, revival, or even a depth-filled sigh. I inched my car into its space, following an early morning of class that was likely preceded by a late night of studying. Then it fell: surprise.

Having been listening to Derek & the Dominos' "Layla," I was hushed by the instrumental ending. I had never heard it before: perhaps the hustle of American life requires radio edits, or what is worse, perhaps my own lifestyle reflects a "failure to yield."

As the warm light enveloped my cheeks, I surrendered to stationary-living long enough to invite the music to dispel its magic. With tears fumbling carelessly to the surface, Layla soothed my heartbeat with an effortless tune. She dances a whirl of grace and ease. She embraces time without stressing the where, or even when, she closes her spin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th3ycKQV_4k

when I get outta school...

2012-01-16T02:29:00.001Z

I hope to:

1) Be able to go to the gym four times a week.

2) Read without worrying about retention.

3) Call people back, write emails, take vacation to see friends.

...southern baptists (insert eye-roll if you please)

2012-01-14T04:51:00.004Z

For three weeks in January, I have submitted myself to a form of cruel and unusual punishment...or so I thought. Baptist History is a required course for my degree: something about showing my appreciation to all those little church women that paid for me to live overseas and also pay 3/4 of my tuition here.

Fortunately, I have a kick-ace professor named, drumrolllllll: Keith Harper. He pairs each lecture with a fair share of sarcasm and coercion to bring breakfast for the whole class to share. So I'm surviving. Actually (although it would be really embarrassing to be associated with this...), I really enjoy the class. Why? Thought you would never ask (eye-roll again if necessary).

Ever since I have been reading about all the politics happening at OBU, I've been brainstorming solutions. Surely there is another answer besides the blatant options:

1) I dislike all fundamentalist/conservatives who are stupid enough to believe in blah-blah-blah (which is normally something tied to biblical inerrancy, the creation account, homosexuality, abortion, etc. or perhaps more legitimatly, their orthopraxy of separatism from modern American culture--don't blame you on that one.) Let's totally disconnect OBU from its constituents and benefactors!

2) I dislike all the hell-burnin' heathens out there who want to read ideas and talk about issues that would make granny blush. Opposing ideas are dangerous, and I want my kids to know one thing: the Bible.

As great as those two parties sound, I'm interested in knowing how other Baptist institutions withdrew from the their local state conventions without committing financial suicide. And is that even a good option, considering that the trend in formerly-religiously-affiliated schools is to become unrecognizable to orthodox believers only a century later. Do I really want our beloved OBU to become antagonistic to orthodoxy? Not really.

My last reading assignment for the course is Barry Hankins' Uneasy in Babylon, and so far I'm intrigued by the academic laxity among moderates that facilitated a conservative resurgence. How sad that "academic" elitism on their part created a vacuum for cultural moralists to take over. Moderates were as isolated then as conservatives appear to be today.

Here's another surprise: the early conservatives among the SBC resurgence read more widely the works of Northern evangelical theologians. That's not the dim-witted conservative impression I expected to find. All this to say, the sides are not as clearly defined as we may want or feel led to believe.

So why do I care? I care about preserving an OBU that challenges students to truly think, grapple with foreign ideas, and formulate opinions that are informed, not formulated for them.

resolution...

2012-01-02T20:11:00.002Z

I have no resolution for the new year. But I do intend to start writing again. I frequently have the thought, "I should probably write that down." So I'm going to pick my technological pen up again...

Thoughts on the new year:

1) I feel like I am getting old. 25 isn't so scary around other single twenty-somethings. But throw me into a New Years Eve party with a bunch of married people, and well, you get the idea.

2) Now, more than ever, my life feels wide open. It seems as though the sky is the limit, no road lay open before me. Choosing a direction feels arbitrary.

3) My nanny kids are the biggest blessing to me, daily reminding me to take it easy. Life's not that serious. "Whatever you do, just don't say D-A-double M!" and I'll be ok.

(high places)

2011-10-07T21:46:00.003+01:00

gone to the high places
all since been gone
a flat expanse
now drawing undone

marigold orb
bathes marsh in saffron
not to be crossed
by spin over planks

the high places are gone
warm days fading
his the daylight
my trees shading

no steeple rising
o'er chilled earth
merely a sigh
trampling mirth

on Sabbath...

2011-07-14T15:32:00.004+01:00

From Your hand, the manna poured
By Your mercy, the quail soared
Sufficient for the hunger in each day
The bounty our God extended our way

Not that we should store for ourselves
But that He would replenish our shelves
Requiring of us, faith in His might
To meet the needs, before His sight

O, that our wills would rest on the seventh
Waiting on Him, to send bread from heaven
Rejoice, O Israel, our God draws near
Take hold, our Trust, expel all fear

Your right hand is mercy, abounding grace
The day of rest, for knowing our place
By dawn we will praise, Your love that sustains
By dusk we dance, Your presence remains

[Thankful for my reading this morning, which reminded me that He knows our need (Ex. 16). So often tempted to be anxious over finances...joyful to know God had humanity's needs met from the beginning, from the wilderness, from the cross.]

still green?

2010-06-09T21:40:00.003+01:00

well, tomorrow marks one month from my departure date. as i look back over the past 2 years, i still wonder sometimes, "how did i get here?"...i figured that at some point the "woah, i live here" moments would subside. but to my surprise, i have never grown tired of the ocean, the view from the train, the endless greenery, even the rainy season. it's more than that, really: all of those things continue to be as beautiful and captivating as they ever were.

the strange thing about this one month marker is that i have very little feeling about it at all. of course i recognize how i will miss the sea and my lifestyle here, but more than anything, i feel like it's time. it's time to move on and get plugged-in to a community again. it's time to return to studying and a more regimented job. it's time to process all that has changed during my time here.

for the past six months, i've been noticing a change in heart: i don't "feel" much anymore. it has taken me quite a while to figure out what that means, what might have caused the change, and more-so, am i okay with it. and the truth is, i'm not. i'm tired of experiencing things on my own, and only having my mom to talk to about it (though i am SO thankful to have her). i'm so stinking sick of building friendships with people that are not emotionally responsive. i want to be able to come home to someone with whom i can feel safe to share what is really on my heart. i want to be able to trust people again. i want to feel like it's okay to pick up the phone and call friends...instead i stop myself every time, thinking that too much time and space have passed, or that i need them more than they need me.

i know that all things come from the Father's hand, but i'm having trouble coping with the fact that He removed me from community for such a long time. yes, i have learned many lessons through relying on Him more, but i never thought i would be deadening my emotional receptivity. especially these past few months, it has been harder to fight away the reminders that i have become dead inside.

a professor in college recommended the book hiding from love to me, and pretty much assured me that there were things in the book i needed to work through. so after realizing i was going to have to deal with this stuff now or at a less ideal time, i have begun working through it. and honestly, it has helped me pinpoint crucial issues in my heart. the only difficulty i am finding so far is that he wrote it under the assumption that the reader has access to healthy relationships/community. welllllllll, that's the tricky part. so i'm pressing ahead, trusting that the Lord will send someone in whom i can safely confide. and maybe that won't happen until i return, who knows...

the redeeming part about all of this is the reminder the Lord gave me today, after reading in John 15. i have been wondering if the deadening in my heart is something that is irreversible, like many of the people i know who just go into emotional hiding and never come out of it. but today i realized that, though i have endured drought, i became negligent in "abiding" in Him. so my soul has begun to wither, and with it my ability to relate to and invest in others. the task now becomes "remaining" in God's love, and trusting that He can restore green, abundant life through my branches. yes, i believe my heart is still green, stemming from the True Vine.

so now begins my journey toward a new heart...new wineskins for the ever-anticipated new wine, so to speak. and i am also anxiously awaiting being reunited with community: dear loved ones and friends. you have no idea how frequently i think of you all, cherishing the blessing of being able to call you my friends.

(goodness, overwhelming post. but i think i needed to be honest about where i'm at. thanks for bearing with me.)

what do you think?

2010-05-11T22:31:00.005+01:00

so, lately i've been pondering the good things in life...and i want to know, what good things you think Christians are guaranteed? what good things are we promised? please share your ideas with me!

the reason i'm asking: i've been realizing some lies i have bought into in my own life. i guess i just thought that if i love God and work hard enough for the things i want/think are good, then i have earned them. but i am coming to believe that even the smallest graces are exactly that, undeserved. there will likely be many things in my life that i think are good (and will work towards), but will never receive or attain them.

so where does that leave me? how do i humbly accept that i am not entitled to the "good things" in life? i confront my own selfishness in asking that, but also acknowledge that perhaps our culture has shaped many of us to hold 'morals' of merit and entitlement...

thoughts, anyone?

what it's like...

2010-04-24T16:21:00.002+01:00

to do this. this portugal thing.

1) sometimes, you force yourself to stay.
2) surfthechannel.com
3) conversations about fast food become really fun!
4) you become the neighborhood quandary.
5) people really like to help you. and eventually you learn to be helped.
6) you adopt strange music interests.
7) often, you say goodbye. lately it's been once a month.
8) you develop a healthy mistrust of hairdressers
9) boots in april/may seem perfectly normal.
10) you adopt a rolly, grocery bag thingy. mine's name is edith, she sports brown plaid.
11) you forget that the beach isn't a daily thing for most people.
12) if you are a girl and exercise, you are the anomaly in the park.
13) before bed, you place your cell phone and vonage phone within reach.
14) making life decisions seems ten times more difficult from here.
15) even "hi, carrie, bye!" from the nephews is priceless.
16) 55 cent coffee, 20 cent bread, 30 cent cookies
17) trying 50 types of yogurt in a year is sooooo fun!
18) your feet become strangely accustomed to jagged rocks underfoot.
19) that smell...oh, that's just the garlic seeping through their skin. ewwwww.
20) every month you stick it out, so incredibly worth it!

sem título...

2010-04-04T00:08:00.003+01:00

green, except by the sea.
suddenly gray, water emerges.
quiet, except when not.
revisits treasures,
often disinterested in new.
ice cream, cup not cone.
likely to love,
equally to forget.
wooden floors,
for one purpose only.
summer chirping, autumn creak.
everything in place,
minus thursday's laundry.
sweeping locks behind ears,
2, 4, 6, 8...lots of holes.
(but likes the pain)
birthday present hymnal,
self-help library.
one brown puppy,
to share a twin-sized bed.
pão de deus,
com queijo e manteiga,
alarm clock cringe,
late night piddle.
laughter and pink cheeks,
pocket-full-of-posies.
grins for the sky and sea,
tears for the space between.
butterflies for plans unseen,
cloud 9 for the dream.

who I've become...

2010-03-21T22:47:00.003Z

is yet to be determined, I suppose. My time abroad has shaped and transformed me...but as of yet, I can't determine exactly how. So here are some indications, and one day I'll know what they mean.

-I've spent an incredible amount of time alone. Time on public transport, out in public, in cafes, etc. Time simply observing, thinking (way too much at times), reading, running, walking, listening to music, writing, drawing. But all on my own. My solitude has become incredibly personal and dear to me.

-You know that instinct where you want to tell someone something, anything? Well I hardly have that anymore. There are few things that necessitate my needing to converse about them, at least not immediately. Admittedly, this has gotten me into trouble...because sometimes I forget that my friends need me to ask, to be more engaged.

-I spend the greater part of each day outdoors or in the public sphere. I've begun to wonder how exactly I will be able to adjust to living indoors again. Most likely I am going to need a running buddy or a good gym to work off the stress from too much time indoors. I am certainly going to miss those quiet reprieves I enjoy multiple times a day in parks, next to the ocean, etc.

-I've observed so many different people, taken in all of their stories and faces. I don't exactly know what to do with those now...it feels like the strangers have become as dear as my sweet friends here. And I can't figure out how to "place" those in my mind, in my future, in my memories.

-Doing everything in another language is so enjoyable for me. It makes each day more challenging, but more rewarding also. When I was home at Christmas, my mind felt so disengaged. I didn't have to work for anything, at least verbally. And I held no mystery in another tongue...I am just another U.S. American who speaks English.

-After two years away, I would be naïve to think my friendships had not changed at home. I'm just beginning to understand this one, but I know it will have more weight when I return. My friendships here are coming to their fruition, and I have yet to know what their continuance will look like. My friendships, the genuinely close ones, are still in tact in the States. It will look different though; we are all on such vastly different pages of life. I hope there is room for me in your lives again. And I hope to meet some new friends also; perhaps it would aid me to start at square one with someone.

-Dating relationships are not appealing to me right now. At all. Especially after this last year, I need some time to heal and be renewed. One thing I know: things will be different next time, they must be. No more wasting time on the ones who don't know themselves, let alone what they want.

-There are not sufficient means to express my gratitude for the time I have been given in Lisbon. These years have been filled with personal growth, exploration, challenges, and beautiful things. I feel so fortunate every time I ride that train by the sea, every time I meet friends for coffee, every time I am surprised by beauty. These months will provide me with years of sweet memories.

how to plan...

2010-03-07T23:22:00.002Z

a budget, as a u.s. american (female) living in europe:

1. substitute the make-up category with skin care products. it's all about preserving natural beauty, not covering it up. gurrrrrrlll, show-off that pretty skin of yours!

2. come to terms with the fact that a great deal of your budget will go to coffee and pastries. it's ok, you'll walk it off! coffee shops are the hub of communities, so dive in!

3. if you won't have a vehicle, go ahead and start a "new pants fund"...between the food with fewer preservatives and self-powered transportation (walking), you're going to change size.

4. sometimes you are going to need to go to the movies. honestly, it will make you feel connected with home in some way. and it's nice to hear some English, laugh a little, and relax.

5. plan to cut back on eating out, for multiple reasons. firstly, eating out over here will cost more, so it's better to save it for special times. secondly, your money will go much farther by stocking up at the grocery store and preparing homemade meals. besides, cooking will become a stress-reliever, promise!

6. purchase some earplugs...in case you, like me, end up living below a married couple ;)

7. bring along or buy a pair of hard-soled shoes; it will be the best investment you make here! hard-bottomed shoes you make the rocky world go round!

8. put some money aside to see things. it is easy to spend money on everyday purchases and clothes, but far more worthwhile to put some aside for special outings: concerts, vacations, museums, etc.

9. get a webcam or vonage phone! it makes a world of difference to be able to contact those you love.

10. try to cut back on the unnecessary purchases...europe is a great place to simplify the things in our lives, to appreciate making a lot out of a little, and to place our treasures in things that last: community, relationships, quality time, etc.

when in doubt, laugh...

2010-03-02T22:25:00.002Z

so this is the secret to surviving in a foreign country...well, at least it's my secret, anyway. I wish I could express how many times a week I am confused about what exactly someone has just said to me. but rather than ask each and every time for them to repeat things, I have learned that a giggle and a smile go a long way. now, I realize this does get me into trouble on occasion. but seriously, it is a wayyyy better alternative! that way, they think I think they are funny, I can pretend I heard whatever I want, and it makes for great laughs later on (when I actually realize what they said!).

case in point: at our cafe downstairs, the owner asked my roommate and I if we were the daughters of a 27 yr. old English taxi cab driver that he knows. in confusion, we just laughed and walked out of the cafe. later on, I realized what he had said...what was I to say?! "why yes, my father did in fact give our mother conception when he was 4!" nope, no response necessary (except laughter). so the cafe staff thinks Lindsey and I are sisters, English, and biological freaks. ehhhhh, oh well :)

to have need...

2010-02-15T15:16:00.003Z

today is one of those days when truth rains down. sometimes it feels painful, but I trust that God's purposes in the present come from a loving hand. today I am acknowledging that God has created me with a human need for love, community, encouragement, commitment, and faithfulness. and I am exceedingly thankful for those friends He has placed in my life which provide me with a sufficiency in the present. so today, february 15th, I am thanking Him for the gift of singleness. my contentment rests not in the changing of circumstances, but the acceptance of them. I am so thankful for this two year journey the Father has lead me on, what a blessing to be set apart for His growth in my heart and life.

a special thanks to my mom, who has proven to be the friend of a lifetime.

well who knows?

2010-01-15T16:41:00.002Z

today I sat at a coffee shop about a 30 minute walk from my apartment, and I proceeded to write a list of things which I don't understand. not things like "astrophysics", but more along the lines of life's mysteries. that is probably not surprising to those of you who know me best; I am never quite contented to leave things unquestioned.

so here goes...things which I don't understand:

why some dear friends lost their child
why hatred and animosity reign between populations that hardly know each other
the end of the world, and how things could possibly be resolved
the reasons for which life is at once futile and eternally meaningful
the workings of time
what happened to their marriage?
how other people see me
that there seems to be an unlimited supply of beauty in the world
that God saw it good to create human beings, thought we have a tremendous propensity for good and evil
why humans can recognize God's attributes, arrange an understanding, and still be lost
the working of God among men, how marvelous a mystery
why we, as humans, hurt those we love most
what leads to relational despair and bitterness
why did you settle?
why God created me the way He did...can I separate the pain of those I love from becoming my own?
how we are to be set free from cycles of strife? why some people make it out and others don't
how can we find understanding of systems and experiences that all converge to make us who we are and what we think and feel?
if I am weak and lazy, or do I simply fear to risk (because I may fail)
what comprises the sacred and valuable elements of life?
what provides the ability to attain the levity which allows us to enjoy life?
what it is within me that fuels my endless self-doubt and fears
do all people ponder life and its mysteries?

on that note, my apologies for being a poor blogger! perhaps in my next life, ha.

some of my favorite things...

2009-11-08T20:23:00.003Z

1. waking up in my bed at my parents' house, with abby hope in the room next to me
2. trips to Borders by myself on holiday evenings
3. the silence of snow
4. the sea on winter days...shades of gray, green, and pale blue
5. talking to my mom on the phone
6. new music...just lying on my bed, doing nothing but listening
7. snuggling with nephews/adopted nieces
8. pulling on a freshly-washed sweatshirt
9. piecing together the things i like about you
10. my nephews calling me "kiwi"
11. driving at night
12. the family picture taken on the stairs on Christmas Eve
13. being called carebear
14. summers at the lakehouse
15. aunt jan's back-rubs
16. good conversations with uncle rick
17. naps under a quilt at the farm
18. hands, all of them
19. how no matter where i go, i am always reminded of those i love
20. being surprised by beauty...

contentment...

2009-10-06T23:31:00.003+01:00

just wanted to write a few words about some of the breakthroughs i have been experiencing lately. thank you to everyone who has said prayers, encouraged, and guided me thus far. thank you to my eternal Pai, who sent his Son and his Spirit to enlighten the darkened areas of my heart.

-growth happens in community. and sometimes our community options don't seem quite like those we may have chosen for ourselves, but goodness can we be surprised. i love the community the Father has placed me in here; it only took me 12 months to realize i was already IN one.

-sometimes we can't control the way we feel...but by seeking help outside ourselves, we can find the ever-elusive contentment amidst difficulty.

-i've been realizing how my yielding to His authority allows Him to be God and me to be human. it's the same with grace. when i stop being my own judge, He is able to judge me with grace and the great depth of His mercy.

-some measure of dependency on others is healthy, and IDEAL. yeah yeah, i know, it's just not american. haha. what if i were to propose that rigid independence is contrary to God's desires for us? i came from a family that champions independence...turns out it's really tiring to strive for it, and more fulfilling to humbly allow others to assist in time of need.

-it's not about what i DO here. honestly, my daily life doesn't measure up to western expectations. i'm ok with that. i'm just trying to be a believer, living among them. my interest is what HE is doing.

-sometimes distance is too hard for people. and that's ok. and i bet those friendships will be just fine. and i am increasingly thankful for those who faithfully reach out to me during my time here.

alright, i just wrote a lot more than i intended to. but it feels good.

(the image above is from this summer also. this girl is the sister of the girl below. i love her youth in the photo.)

eden...

2009-09-23T21:04:00.003+01:00

i've always liked the idea of eden...it is the union of humanity's first experiences of beauty and heartache. other glimpses of eden in daily life seem to be just as compelling to me, such as autumn. autumn often reminds me of innocent youth and memories, while also carrying the gloom of winter's unmet difficulties. perhaps it is my own melancholic nature, but joy seems most genuine when measured against the hardships that precede it. so here's to eden and autumn, pillars of holistic emotion...

(i took the above photo this summer. there was something about this girl's expression, it was the same in every frame. made me think that she had experienced both sides of eden at an early age...it actually made me really sad.)

if you think of it...

2009-06-24T23:35:00.002+01:00

maybe you could say a prayer for me around dinner time (stateside) this summer? tonight is my first night alone in the apartment...emily has packed up her things and will fly out tomorrow morning. there is a lot going through my head and heart these days, and i would really covet your prayers during the evening hours.

i have lived alone for one summer before, but it sure feels different being in another country and living alone. lots of tears. like crying in the shower the other day when i realized i can't get a sunburn on my back anymore because no one is around to put lotion on afterward. silly, painful thoughts like that.

the Father is gracious, abounding in mercy. His plans for me are good. Pai, please be the Joy of my heart this summer.

where lies your beauty?

2009-05-14T23:39:00.002+01:00

During my time in Portugal, I have been contemplating the type of beauty that our western culture values. Particularly, what our society deems necessary for feminine beauty. Is it long hair, high heels, painted nails, perfectly applied make-up, a skinny body, just enough skin showing, hair color, unique clothing, jewelry?? What confuses me more is the way that we, women with intelligent minds and good intentions, spend thousands of dollars/euros attempting "to be beautiful".

"Perhaps we are being driven toward goals and objectives without always understanding why. Or we may not be aware of the real cost to our minds, our bodies, and, of course, our hearts."-Ordering Your Private World

I have been looking through some sources on concepts of beauty, and I find very little evidence that it is outward adornment that captures the essence of what it means to be feminine and beautiful. This is not to say that I think it is wrong to wear make-up or look to buy a new pair of heels. But maybe it is time for us to take a step back, to assess in which things we place our treasure. What treasures have we that hold eternal value?

I Peter 3.3-4 "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious."

How much time do we spend seeking after a quiet spirit, one which is not shaken by the trials of each day? Is our inner space given more importance than the persona we want to project?

Some principles from Proverbs 31...A woman who fears the Lord is trustworthy, hard-working, caring, wise, strong, generous, compassionate, kind...strength and dignity are her clothing. She is a truly beautiful woman.

When Solomon spoke of his love's beauty, he spoke of her physical form, the shape of her cheeks and the tower of her neck, and her eyes as doves...captivating his heart. The Artist shaped our every part, calling our form beautiful and complete. What can be added to a masterpiece?

From Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea we find: "I want first of all...to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life." And to our dismay, "for the most part, we, who could choose simplicity, choose complication." But what if we were to transform our inner being? "Is your sea-shell house not ugly and bare? No, it is beautiful, my house. It is bare, of course, but the wind, the sun, the smell of the pines blow through its bareness."

And lastly, words written from a father to a daughter. John Quincy Adams wrote "Think of no other greatness but that of the soul, no other riches but those of the heart."

(to all my wonderful friends, who seek to cultivate the indescribable beauty growing within.)

the beauty in a name...

2009-03-16T10:15:00.005Z

Wake up, go for a run, quickly shower and get ready, make sure I have my keys and my transportation pass, walk quickly to the train station, find a seat near the window, and WAIT for the Spirit to speak. Sometimes I am terrible about waiting for His quiet words...I put in my ipod or race through my homework. But when I actually stop, He shows me some magnificent things.

1) All beauty is a gift from Him, a reflection of His very nature. He makes all things new, He blesses the fruit in its season. He removes the scales from our eyes, to see the value in all that is His.

"Surely man is like the flower of the field,
And life is but a vapor, at best but a vapor.
But you O God, are better than a thousand blooms." -Misty Edwards

2) The days I am most joyful are always gifts from Him. Tuesdays are often very long days for me...sometimes I make it to 6pm, exhausted before C. Surfers even begins. I sprint from the classroom to the metro to the train, arriving in Cascais in time to help very little with set-up. And yet I am finding that He has other plans for me. He fills. It is like the great, white sailboats out on the river, that once again begin to glide through the water as twilights draws near. I am filled with a second wind, knowing its origin is not from within. Psalm 28.7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

3) He cherishes His creation. The wildflowers that bloom along the train tracks, the single red bloom among white daisies. The surfers that dance on the water under a bright orange sky. The secluded sea inlet where His heart beats. The careful formed bodies that step in time with His musical creation. Psalm 147.9-11

He gives to the beasts their food,
and to the young ravens that cry.
His delight is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his pleasure in the legs of a man,
but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him,
in those who hope in his steadfast love.

4) What place have I to call His creation imperfect? For He himself formed my body in the womb, shaping my hands, nose, hips, cheeks. To understand the creation, I must look to the artist. What beauty does He see in the form He has made? What name has He given me? He has given me the name "Caroline" or "Carrie", which means little, womanly, beautiful woman, beautiful song, joyful. I am no longer able to call this earthly form He has given me "feia", because the Artist himself delights in His creation. He has called me His child, an heir immortal.

What beauty will He show you today? From whence comes the wind in your sails, your joy in being? What names has He given you?

what do you...

2009-03-01T20:32:00.002Z

fear?

i fear...
-growing old. "i'm only good at being young..."
-the part that comes after "being vulnerable".

and you?

in the new year...

2008-12-31T14:08:00.002Z

i want to know that each day has value. my spirit longs to accomplish something every day...it can be as simple as sweeping the floor, but i need to feel the hours are not in vain.

language school is now over, and i am looking forward to picking up pencils and charcoal again, roaming the city with my lens, writing sincere verses.

this new phase is entitled bewilderment. apparently i am highly practical by design, thus feeling lost amidst the hours. the remedy...one photograph a day, one walk in the sunshine, one smile from someone on the train.

if you were here, i would walk with you to the beach where we would release into the sand all of our dreams and sorrows.

happy new year, lovelies. beijinhos.

trying to figure out...

2008-12-13T18:31:00.003Z

what it truly means to call Him Immanuel, "God with us." I feel compelled this Christmas to celebrate in the simplest form, to meditate on His presence, to appreciate the simple gifts...

just wanted to say...

2008-12-03T23:05:00.001Z

i miss you guys. yep, all of you.

"don't leave me...

2008-11-23T00:06:00.003Z

alone." yesterday as I was in the water with Luis, that is the only thought that kept running through my head as I grew more tired. here is the scene:

I arrived to the train station at 1:45pm, having come straight from language school with my books and towel. the sun was perfect, warm and direct. Luis picked me up with the boards already in the car. we went to a bike shop to mount a new surf rack on his car, and we talked while we waited for the shop owner. standing there in the sun, it felt so wonderful to have a genuine conversation. after some silences and words, we went to his apartment to get the roof guards off his old car. it could have seemed like a many errands to complete before actually arriving at guincho, but I was so thankful to simply be with someone.

after securing the boards on top, we were on our way. we talked about life and faith, the things that satisfy and the things that do not. pulling into the parking lot, it was wonderful to see Luis in his community. he is a rather shy individual, and yet everyone knows him and stops to say hello. we stood, overlooking the beach, teacher and student. he is teaching me the character of surfing, wind, off-shore, on-shore, tide, current, swell. it is a foreign art, but I am eager to learn.

having discussed too many logistics to remember right then, we crawled into our wetsuits. I still cannot quite get mine right, needing Luis' help each time to zip me in. it reminds me I am still new and in need. after pulling the board off the roof, it was a race for the water. before jumping in, we practiced technique and 3 steps in the sand: 1)with hands directly under the shoulders, raise the torso off the board 2)raise left leg and place the foot horizontally on the mid-line of the board 3)place right foot slightly turned out about 1 1/2 feet from the left foot. remain loose, look toward the beach.

ten feet from immersion, I squealed in anticipation of the cold adventure that lie ahead. we stayed in the white water near the beach, and we laughed for nearly the whole lesson. I got up on the board most of the time, but that is not the reason for which I have chosen to pursue this venture. right now, it is about the natural friendship that develops in that water.

after an hour, I started to grow tired. dive under, go over, up top, turn sideways, paddle, face the beach, don't be scared. as I started to become weary, Luis started to place more distance between us in the waves. I had to learn to do it on my own, to be on my board without him. suddenly I was keenly aware of what a spiritual moment that was. it required everything in me to not reach for Luis' hand, to lean on him for support, to turn the board around and leave the safety of his presence.

I have decided surfing is a thing of simplicity and vulnerability. all that is needed is a wetsuit and a board, everything superfluous is left in its place on the shore. regarding vulnerability, I am painfully afraid of being alone. perhaps this is how God directs us. He pushes us to places we have never been before, knowing that our inadequacy will draw us closer to Him: our desires, our need, our weakness, our humanity. my humanity reminds me I need the touch of God and others. "don't leave me alone."

i have been waiting...

2008-11-20T22:30:00.002Z

to take this photo for years. it has been in my mind's eye, now it exists.

"arise and be comforted"

2008-11-09T18:47:00.003Z

Once again, it hurts to be without all of you. You know who you are...you are my joy. Today I was thinking I would have done just about anything to sit down and have a coffee with you girls. I am trying to get accustomed to the distance between us and the uncomfortable idea of investing in new people also...but it is not easy. I unconsciously silence my vocal cords and shiver at the idea of revealing what I am thinking. I am praying the Lord will provide me with a Portuguese friend with whom I can just be. Someone with whom I can sit on the beach and just think without feeling overwhelmed.

I hope each of you knows exactly how much you mean to me. You should know that you are each so precious and dear, that there is void within that you girls have stitched closed. I love you all and the patchwork quilt you provide for my heart...

if I wait until I'm ready...

2008-11-01T21:52:00.002Z

I will never write a new post. So I am updating, ready or not...

I start language school on Tuesday, and I am really thankful for that. I am ready to have a schedule and people to fill my days, but that is developing quite slowly.

Ummm, update on the past week. This week I had the chance to go to a surfer's group on Tuesday night, and it was so much fun! I met two sweet girls there, Anicia and Vania...I think we are going to see 007 together next week. It was a huge blessing to meet them because they love sports (which I am told many Portuguese girls don't at our age), art, movies, music, etc. I also met Joao and Luis, two surfers who want to give me lessons this winter. I plan on bargaining on the price with them by taking new photos for their websites.

I was invited by my host family in Sevilla to spend Christmas with them. THIS is the most wonderful surprise of the whole week!! I really hope it works out for me to see them over the holiday, it would be absolutely wonderful.

And personally...I am still getting settled. I love it, I really do. I still struggle with shopping here, whether for groceries, necessities for my room, or whatever else. I am not accustomed to being surrounded by people all the time, lots of people. You all know that I like small groups, not crowds...so it makes it a little overwhelming to be in a store packed full of people. Needless to say, I have walked out of many businesses after not buying the things I needed. Some days, many days, it's just TOO MUCH for me.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated. I am growing tired of having little independence, and tired of being treated as the "new" person who doesn't know as much as the "experienced" people. Hopefully having my own language school and schedule will allow me more freedom and time for thought. Until then, patience and humility!!!

life is...

2008-10-22T13:49:00.002+01:00

abundant. that is what I feel when I am by the sea. it may be that peace is abundant, or pain, or longing, or contentment, or joy. but no matter what the sentiment may be, it is full. complete. overwhelming. I want to live in fullness. what good is a life of mediocre expressions? (admittedly, there is a place to feel nothing.)...but today i want to collapse into the sand at the sheer weight and brilliance of life's abundance. nothing else causes me to gasp so deeply with excitement, almost nervousness. life is at once beautiful, full, and new.

today i gasp deeply because:

my balcony breathes the ocean's fresh wind
i see and feel [you] in this place
the music of the sea pumps green roots into these skeleton streets

by the sea...

2008-10-18T16:51:00.002+01:00

I can't even describe how wonderful it is to be by the sea...this phase: simply being.

the plan (?)...

2008-10-05T07:02:00.002+01:00

for the next 3 years
1) live, live, live
2) breathe, breathe, breathe
3) love, love, love
4) research, research, research
5) write, write, write
6) assess, compile, submit
7) NUI, Maynooth

#7 may be a pipe dream, but it's worth the dream...

so i woke up last night...

2008-09-29T17:34:00.002+01:00

at 3am, gasping for air. For some reason I dreamed I was already in Lisbon, experiencing the feeling that I have been dreading. That, "Oh no, what did I do?" feeling. That, "Oh gosh, I am really here for 3 years" feeling. But I know it is temporary; it will pass as all things do.

I am still counting down the days until family and friends. 3 days until family, 10 days until friends. yes yes yes yes yes yes YES!

i can't wait...

2008-09-20T17:46:00.002+01:00

to see all my best friends in less than 20 days!!! Gosh, I feel so blessed to be able to spend even a couple more days with you all again.

These last few weeks have been going well, and I have been able to form a number of good friendships during my time in Virginia. I also have been tremendously challenged to make the Father an intrinsic part of my everyday life. There are still so many ways in which I feel inadequate for the task in Lisbon, but I know that He is faithful to provide all good things in His perfect timing.

More to come soon, promise...

church and underwear

2008-08-18T20:54:00.004+01:00

Yesterday I was reminded of the beauty of childhood innocence. We have been having house church in one of our region's apartments, and there are always plenty of kids around to make Sunday mornings quite interesting. Yesterday, Darcy, a 2-year old, curly-haired mess of a little girl, went into her bedroom and brought out all of her underwear and training panties and laid them on the end table for everyone to see. After laughing hysterically, I realized how beautiful it is that children know no shame. Carrying all of her undergarments into the house church circle required no logic or explanation. A child's existence is one of freedom and precious whim, unjaded by this world's reality. Oh to live in that shameless state again.

(However, there is no need to worry, I won't be bringing my underwear to house church next Sunday...)

honesty

2008-08-15T05:18:00.003+01:00

Something about late nights and melancholy continually abandons me in my bed with an unanswerable question: is life empty? I know all the typical solutions, including religious fulfillment, sacrifice for others, simple pleasures, etc. But what about that loneliness that gnaws on the silences that are unavoidable late at night, when we are too tired to fight off this haunting question of humanity? What will happen when I awake years from now and realize that, after faith, family, memories, joys, sorrows, journeys, and strangers, I am still empty? I assume it is the nature of being human to never be satisfied with failure or success. And contact with deity, though sufficient to bring hope, purpose, and healing, is faithful to leave me unsatisfied with bones and spirit.

expression reborn

2008-08-09T19:10:00.002+01:00

I am currently relearning how to translate my thoughts and ideas into hosts outside my mind. Something about life, silences, and time makes a person no longer willing to divulge the sacred holdings of hidden chests. Silence has become the safe house for my daydreams, dancing merrily beneath a patchwork quilt of intricate silhouettes. But I must begin again, starting with ballerinas, broken terracotta pots, and scrambles of letters lying open for interpretation.