still green?

well, tomorrow marks one month from my departure date. as i look back over the past 2 years, i still wonder sometimes, "how did i get here?"...i figured that at some point the "woah, i live here" moments would subside. but to my surprise, i have never grown tired of the ocean, the view from the train, the endless greenery, even the rainy season. it's more than that, really: all of those things continue to be as beautiful and captivating as they ever were.

the strange thing about this one month marker is that i have very little feeling about it at all. of course i recognize how i will miss the sea and my lifestyle here, but more than anything, i feel like it's time. it's time to move on and get plugged-in to a community again. it's time to return to studying and a more regimented job. it's time to process all that has changed during my time here.

for the past six months, i've been noticing a change in heart: i don't "feel" much anymore. it has taken me quite a while to figure out what that means, what might have caused the change, and more-so, am i okay with it. and the truth is, i'm not. i'm tired of experiencing things on my own, and only having my mom to talk to about it (though i am SO thankful to have her). i'm so stinking sick of building friendships with people that are not emotionally responsive. i want to be able to come home to someone with whom i can feel safe to share what is really on my heart. i want to be able to trust people again. i want to feel like it's okay to pick up the phone and call friends...instead i stop myself every time, thinking that too much time and space have passed, or that i need them more than they need me.

i know that all things come from the Father's hand, but i'm having trouble coping with the fact that He removed me from community for such a long time. yes, i have learned many lessons through relying on Him more, but i never thought i would be deadening my emotional receptivity. especially these past few months, it has been harder to fight away the reminders that i have become dead inside.

a professor in college recommended the book hiding from love to me, and pretty much assured me that there were things in the book i needed to work through. so after realizing i was going to have to deal with this stuff now or at a less ideal time, i have begun working through it. and honestly, it has helped me pinpoint crucial issues in my heart. the only difficulty i am finding so far is that he wrote it under the assumption that the reader has access to healthy relationships/community. welllllllll, that's the tricky part. so i'm pressing ahead, trusting that the Lord will send someone in whom i can safely confide. and maybe that won't happen until i return, who knows...

the redeeming part about all of this is the reminder the Lord gave me today, after reading in John 15. i have been wondering if the deadening in my heart is something that is irreversible, like many of the people i know who just go into emotional hiding and never come out of it. but today i realized that, though i have endured drought, i became negligent in "abiding" in Him. so my soul has begun to wither, and with it my ability to relate to and invest in others. the task now becomes "remaining" in God's love, and trusting that He can restore green, abundant life through my branches. yes, i believe my heart is still green, stemming from the True Vine.

so now begins my journey toward a new heart...new wineskins for the ever-anticipated new wine, so to speak. and i am also anxiously awaiting being reunited with community: dear loved ones and friends. you have no idea how frequently i think of you all, cherishing the blessing of being able to call you my friends.

(goodness, overwhelming post. but i think i needed to be honest about where i'm at. thanks for bearing with me.)