well who knows?

today I sat at a coffee shop about a 30 minute walk from my apartment, and I proceeded to write a list of things which I don't understand. not things like "astrophysics", but more along the lines of life's mysteries. that is probably not surprising to those of you who know me best; I am never quite contented to leave things unquestioned.

so here goes...things which I don't understand:

• why some dear friends lost their child
• why hatred and animosity reign between populations that hardly know each other
• the end of the world, and how things could possibly be resolved
• the reasons for which life is at once futile and eternally meaningful
• the workings of time
• what happened to their marriage?
• how other people see me
• that there seems to be an unlimited supply of beauty in the world
• that God saw it good to create human beings, thought we have a tremendous propensity for good and evil
• why humans can recognize God's attributes, arrange an understanding, and still be lost
• the working of God among men, how marvelous a mystery
• why we, as humans, hurt those we love most
• what leads to relational despair and bitterness
• why did you settle?
• why God created me the way He did...can I separate the pain of those I love from becoming my own?
• how we are to be set free from cycles of strife? why some people make it out and others don't
• how can we find understanding of systems and experiences that all converge to make us who we are and what we think and feel?
• if I am weak and lazy, or do I simply fear to risk (because I may fail)
• what comprises the sacred and valuable elements of life?
• what provides the ability to attain the levity which allows us to enjoy life?
• what it is within me that fuels my endless self-doubt and fears
• do all people ponder life and its mysteries?

on that note, my apologies for being a poor blogger! perhaps in my next life, ha.

some of my favorite things...

1. waking up in my bed at my parents' house, with abby hope in the room next to me
2. trips to Borders by myself on holiday evenings
3. the silence of snow
4. the sea on winter days...shades of gray, green, and pale blue
5. talking to my mom on the phone
6. new music...just lying on my bed, doing nothing but listening
7. snuggling with nephews/adopted nieces
8. pulling on a freshly-washed sweatshirt
9. piecing together the things i like about you
10. my nephews calling me "kiwi"
11. driving at night
12. the family picture taken on the stairs on Christmas Eve
13. being called carebear
14. summers at the lakehouse
15. aunt jan's back-rubs
16. good conversations with uncle rick
17. naps under a quilt at the farm
18. hands, all of them
19. how no matter where i go, i am always reminded of those i love
20. being surprised by beauty...

contentment...

just wanted to write a few words about some of the breakthroughs i have been experiencing lately. thank you to everyone who has said prayers, encouraged, and guided me thus far. thank you to my eternal Pai, who sent his Son and his Spirit to enlighten the darkened areas of my heart.

-growth happens in community. and sometimes our community options don't seem quite like those we may have chosen for ourselves, but goodness can we be surprised. i love the community the Father has placed me in here; it only took me 12 months to realize i was already IN one.

-sometimes we can't control the way we feel...but by seeking help outside ourselves, we can find the ever-elusive contentment amidst difficulty.

-i've been realizing how my yielding to His authority allows Him to be God and me to be human. it's the same with grace. when i stop being my own judge, He is able to judge me with grace and the great depth of His mercy.

-some measure of dependency on others is healthy, and IDEAL. yeah yeah, i know, it's just not american. haha. what if i were to propose that rigid independence is contrary to God's desires for us? i came from a family that champions independence...turns out it's really tiring to strive for it, and more fulfilling to humbly allow others to assist in time of need.

-it's not about what i DO here. honestly, my daily life doesn't measure up to western expectations. i'm ok with that. i'm just trying to be a believer, living among them. my interest is what HE is doing.

-sometimes distance is too hard for people. and that's ok. and i bet those friendships will be just fine. and i am increasingly thankful for those who faithfully reach out to me during my time here.

alright, i just wrote a lot more than i intended to. but it feels good.

(the image above is from this summer also. this girl is the sister of the girl below. i love her youth in the photo.)