who I've become...

is yet to be determined, I suppose. My time abroad has shaped and transformed me...but as of yet, I can't determine exactly how. So here are some indications, and one day I'll know what they mean.

-I've spent an incredible amount of time alone. Time on public transport, out in public, in cafes, etc. Time simply observing, thinking (way too much at times), reading, running, walking, listening to music, writing, drawing. But all on my own. My solitude has become incredibly personal and dear to me.

-You know that instinct where you want to tell someone something, anything? Well I hardly have that anymore. There are few things that necessitate my needing to converse about them, at least not immediately. Admittedly, this has gotten me into trouble...because sometimes I forget that my friends need me to ask, to be more engaged.

-I spend the greater part of each day outdoors or in the public sphere. I've begun to wonder how exactly I will be able to adjust to living indoors again. Most likely I am going to need a running buddy or a good gym to work off the stress from too much time indoors. I am certainly going to miss those quiet reprieves I enjoy multiple times a day in parks, next to the ocean, etc.

-I've observed so many different people, taken in all of their stories and faces. I don't exactly know what to do with those now...it feels like the strangers have become as dear as my sweet friends here. And I can't figure out how to "place" those in my mind, in my future, in my memories.

-Doing everything in another language is so enjoyable for me. It makes each day more challenging, but more rewarding also. When I was home at Christmas, my mind felt so disengaged. I didn't have to work for anything, at least verbally. And I held no mystery in another tongue...I am just another U.S. American who speaks English.

-After two years away, I would be naïve to think my friendships had not changed at home. I'm just beginning to understand this one, but I know it will have more weight when I return. My friendships here are coming to their fruition, and I have yet to know what their continuance will look like. My friendships, the genuinely close ones, are still in tact in the States. It will look different though; we are all on such vastly different pages of life. I hope there is room for me in your lives again. And I hope to meet some new friends also; perhaps it would aid me to start at square one with someone.

-Dating relationships are not appealing to me right now. At all. Especially after this last year, I need some time to heal and be renewed. One thing I know: things will be different next time, they must be. No more wasting time on the ones who don't know themselves, let alone what they want.

-There are not sufficient means to express my gratitude for the time I have been given in Lisbon. These years have been filled with personal growth, exploration, challenges, and beautiful things. I feel so fortunate every time I ride that train by the sea, every time I meet friends for coffee, every time I am surprised by beauty. These months will provide me with years of sweet memories.